To be your love
by Hetanikki
Summary: A touch of intimacy brings up some strange new feelings that Kaoru finds hard to deal with, harder still is the strange jealousy that comes with the realisation of those feelings. Are such feelings really so wrong? Does Hikaru feel the same, or will he be disgusted by Kaoru's feelings? Perhaps such things are best kept secret.
1. Chapter 1

I was bored. And I hated that. It seemed all too long before I'd actually have a lesson to occupy my mind. That in itself was weird, being so bored I actually wanted to do my lessons. I also felt slightly sick, but that was for a whole different reason. I looked up from my laptop and pushed my chair back from the table. Having nothing better to do I had taken to listening to music from the internet. "Ow..." I brought in a sharp breath and flexed my leg. Having folded my legs up on the chair it had become stiff.

"What's the matter Kaoru?" I turned my head ever so slightly to see my twin peering at me with those identical to my own golden eyes.

I smiled at him, that sick feeling increasing a little. "Its fine, just a little cramp that's all."

"Oh?" His voice oozed out, dropping low in that seductive tone that called our fans to us. I didn't even pay attention to the sudden throng of girls who thought it completely normal to gather around us every time their 'brotherly love' sense went off. It made it difficult to have any private moments during the school day. I ran a hand through my short red hair with a sigh. Why didn't these girls just leave us alone and wait until we were in the Host club, the place where our little act was meant to be displayed for them? It wasn't just that we could never just talk without an audience every time things seem to be getting steamy, it was that my twin couldn't resist playing up to our act once an audience came. Naturally I had to go along, if the girls ('Princesses' Tamaki called them) thought we weren't 'getting alone' then who knows what would happen unless it was played right and I wasn't in the mood for that.

_Just an act..._

I watched Hikaru's hand reach out and his long fingers nimbly massage my knee. I forced a blush onto my cheeks, having programmed myself long ago to be able to blush and tear up on cue. That kind of thing just helped if you were stuck in the 'catcher' role. Not that I minded since I felt so comfortable in that role. I thought back to Renge's film, where we had switched roles...it had been easy but not the same.

"Does that feel good, Kaoru?" Hikaru asked and I nodded, feigning speechlessness and turning away once the girls had stopped gushing and Hikaru had stopped his massage. In truth my knee did feel a little less cramped, whether that was because of what he had done or simply because I had flexed it enough before I couldn't tell.

I didn't feel sick because he had touched me. We had definitely done more just in the club, holding each other close like lovers, whispering such tender things as he cups my face, lips inches apart. But that was the trouble wasn't it? As of the last summer holidays that just close enough, where we had always drawn the line, had finally been crossed.

_Last summer..._

"Hay Kaoru, do you know what I'm thinking?" Hikaru purred. I looked up from my book as I sat on the bed, propped up against the backboard in a cushion of fine thick fluffy pillows. He grinned up at me as he lay on his stomach, feet cocked up and head resting on one hand which was propped up at the elbow.

"No."

"That's a lie." Hikaru grinned a little more. A few days ago we had finally tried a little kiss. Hikaru had said it was for something new to try in the club but it had felt like so much more. The strangest thing is how natural it felt, and we had been doing it ever since. He was right, it was a lie. I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking 'kiss me'.

I placed the book down on the bed, not even bothering to dog ear my page as my twin rose up and pressed his lips to mine. After a few moments of frantic movement our tongues began to dance with each other. My heart beat raced at a pace I was sure he could hear, but he didn't mind. Hikaru and I, moulded together so well...I couldn't tell where he began and I ended as we let the passion take over.

_It isn't just 'lust'...what we have is something so much more..._

I watched him as he lathered his hair with soap, as soon as his eyes were closed I reached forward and removed the shower head, holding it out of his reach. "Huh, where's the-?" Hikaru flailed his arm around in front of him, searching for the water.

"Looking for something?" I grinned as he was made to open his eyes and turned to the side, where I dangled the turned off shower head from my hand.

"Come on Kaoru, give it back." He scowled a little and reached out for it. I moved as far back as I could, which was pretty far considering the en suite we had involved a shower that was big enough to hold at least five people with room for a table. The perks of being rich.

"What are you going to do if I don't?" I challenged him, knowing he couldn't resist. Tactics...as he grabbed me and brought me in for one of our forbidden moments of passion that we both enjoyed though would not admit to doing so. Tactics...hidden in a childish joke.

As we lay in bed, side by side as always, I looked over at him and sighed. "Hay Hikaru, you look cold..." He opened his eyes and smiled. We cuddled close, cradling each others bodies and heads, foreheads touching.

_Our hearts beating to the same rhythm..._

It was innocent, us cuddling this way as we slept. Even at this age, twins sharing a bed was too normal in this household. The servants tended to just let us do as we pleased, though I still feared they would catch us being not so innocent and tell our parents. With them being always busy, a surprise like that was not needed. They would never accept this.

It was amazing how we could kiss so easily, though it was breaking the taboo that we ourselves dangled by a string in front of the clubs eager 'princesses'. We never thought too much about it, or the moral implications. Though every time we started, we were always thinking of the end. And the fact we could never truly give ourselves to each other, that it all had to end some day, especially when we finished high school and moved on...It made us uncharacteristically scared.

_So scared..._

Whipping myself out of the memories which were held so strongly in my mind I addressed why I was feeling sick. I had harmlessly, I swear, looked at Hikaru's computer history that morning to see if he had that website we were supposed to be taking notes on saved somewhere. I came across a few interesting articles he had been looking at recently and that's when the sick feeling started. They were all giving tips on how to have 'quiet sex'. Hikaru was planning to have a sneaky night with someone?

It hurt that he wouldn't tell me this kind of thing and I didn't dare ask or he would know that I pried. But who was it he had in his heart? That he would want to give himself to, and why 'quiet'? I had some ideas but...surely not. Haruhi had already firmly told him she wasn't interested. One of the other girls maybe?

I sighed. I wasn't jealous. I was pretty sure that neither of us were even bi or gay. It was all just brotherly love right? I knew what we had was special, and I considered it detached from any kind of normal romance or feelings. It felt too amazing, to fit together so perfectly with someone, my twin. I wasn't jealous that he had found someone, because the two of us were never together in that sense. How could we be, we were family. I wanted him to be happy...but surely Hikaru could find that happiness with me! Okay, so I was a little jealous.

And that was the real reason I felt sick. I shouldn't have felt jealous that my own twin brother had found a girl special enough to give himself to. It didn't weaken our bond at all. Right? I looked over at him as he lolled across the table, as bored as I was.

What are you thinking Hikaru? I know what you're thinking. You're bored, and you want something to entertain you. I'm sorry, but I can't do that for you right now.

_In the end, we never even kissed in front of our customers... _

I wondered as we walked to the lunch room if he actually knew how I felt, my love and my confusion. My intense fear. How I wanted more but knew I shouldn't. It just wasn't a normal thing to do. To say to your twin that you wanted to do forbidden things with him, to want your twin so passionately. Oh God what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Hikaru help me...I want you so much it hurts. Surely he couldn't look that far into my mind and know how he felt. If he was okay with our kissing, then that passion was all he would ever find fine. I was sure of it, and yet not. That in itself created an unwelcome feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had always been sure of what my twin felt and thought. But not now. My inner shame and turmoil was blocking whatever twin ESP we had. Most of the time. Hikaru...who is it that has captured all your heart and passion? Whoever it is, perhaps I can replace them.

_In my dreams I could be your only love._

* * *

__AN: I wrote this some time ago partially based on the doujinshi Heliotrope which you can easily Google. I don't know if it's good enough to have a lasting story so for now it's just a short story, I hope you enjoyed it.


	2. Chapter 2

If there was one thing that I was glad for, it was that I could forget all the feelings and the pain when it was time to entertain the ladies in the Host Club. There the act was just an act, it was normal and fluid and I felt comfortable again. Yet...as we waved everyone goodbye I studied each face. It had to be one of these girls that he liked. Unless he'd met someone online. No, it was one of these girls, but who?

I'll say it again, I wasn't jealous. No, I was just very curious. I found it laughable that I didn't even know Hikaru's 'type' when I knew the 'type' of pretty much every girl in this room and even the other host club members, in part. Maybe it would be best if I tried to move on from Hikaru, being so close to him had clearly clouded my mind. Only I didn't want to move on from him, I wanted to pull him close and kiss him until I couldn't breathe any more.

"What's with that look?"

I snapped out of my daydream at the sound of that voice. Haruhi stood, ready to go, only a few girls left now taking their time and whining that they didn't want to go as Tamaki lamented their leaving also. "What look?" I feigned innocence.

"For a second you had this weird look on your face, kind of love struck." She replied and I cursed, there was no way I was showing that much on my face, damn her perception abilities.

"You must be imagining things Haruhi."

Haruhi gave me a doubtful look. "I'll be seeing you later then." I watched her leave and turned back to where Hikaru should have been, just a few paces to my side. He was gone though, standing a little further back with a girls arms wrapped around his waist. They were both smiling, but my heart pounded its way up into my throat. The new girl, Miki something or other? The new girl was the one he had fallen for? They were talking but I didn't hear the words, they become a nasty hum in my ears.

I looked away. A moment later she passed and I felt Hikaru take my hand and squeeze it. "Ready to go?" he asked.

"Mm? Sure." I tried to clear my sadness but it was too late, he turned me around and frowned deeply, piercing me with his eyes. "What?" I squeaked not at all liking that mistrusting look.

"Something's up with you and for once I don't know what." Hikaru replied.

"I-" That single word floated away and I became silent. I could see it in his eyes, that pain that occurred with not knowing what was wrong with your twin when you usually did. "I don't want to talk about it here."

"Okay fine." Hikaru's hand went back to mine, but it was much tighter this time and he pulled me along. He marched down the hallway and outside, not even speaking until we were in the car on our way home. "Right, now spill." Hikaru turned his whole body towards me. His gaze was so intense.

_Stop looking at me..._

This wasn't the first time that Hikaru had fixed me with that stare. He did it every time he felt I was keeping a secret from him, ever since we were young he would just fix me with that stare and stare and stare until I cracked. I almost always did. Okay, always. I couldn't help it, that stare burned into me even if I faced away, even if I was sat all the way across a room. I wasn't the one keeping secrets here though.

_Dammit stop staring at me!_

I cracked, just as he knew that I would. "I was looking on your computer and I found that article you were looking at." I admitted, cheeks burning up in a real blush.

"Which article?"

It was my turn to stare at him this time, outside I was aware that we were almost home, I would rather finish this before then, before he could storm off and hide it from me. "You know 'which article'. The one about 'quiet sex'."

Hikaru made a noise that was somewhat like being strangled and this time he was the one who blushed. I grinned a little to myself, happy that I'd got him cornered. I wasn't jealous, I was just curious. Being so curious it was exciting to trap Hikaru in a corner and get him to tell me. "See. You do know what I'm talking about, don't you? Hikaru I don't care that you want to have sex with the new girl, I'm happy for you, I'm happy that you found someone. I'm just a little hurt that you wanted to hide her from me, I mean we're twins aren't we? Brothers that share everything? Mm, guess it doesn't matter now because I found out anyway." I laughed, but everything still hurt inside. "And you thought you could keep this new girl and you a secret from me."

"It's not Miki."

"Huh?"

"The reason I was looking at that article. It wasn't because of the new girl. I don't want to have sex with her. She had her arms around me because you likes me, but I don't like her." Hikaru stated boldly. His blush was gone, instead a serious look was there. Hikaru has his hands folded in his lap, head down a little. As he looked up and I saw the full intensity of that look my breath caught in my throat. It was a strangely sexy look. "I was looking up how to do it quietly, because I knew that if anyone heard us, then it would be bad for the both of us...reputation wise."

"Oh..." I didn't know what else to say, but forced out something more so I didn't look like an idiot just saying 'oh'. "She must be really important." the car stopped outside of our house.

"It's not a girl."

"What?" I'd been distracted looking out at the house only a second, barely catching those words, but as I turned back Hikaru was already out of the car and jogging up to the house. It's not a girl? Then...could it be? My heart was fit to burst just thinking about such a possibility.

_Am I your love?_

* * *

AN: Look who decided to make this a full story!


	3. Chapter 3

My heart was thumping at those words. It wasn't a girl? Then that meant...I couldn't even start to dare and believe it. I wanted to though. I wanted to believe that he had meant me, when he said that it wasn't a girl. He wasn't in either of our bedrooms when I ascended to that floor. I knew the kinds of places that Hikaru would go if he needed some privacy. I laid down on my bed and looked out towards the window, the world here was painted orange from the dying sun. I tried hard then, to get rid of the feelings in my heart. It was no good to keep them, I had to move on, realize I could not have what my heart was asking for. Still, Hikarus words burnt in my mind and refused to let the flames of hope die. I sighed.

We were getting older and growing slowly apart. That much I knew and I knew that it was okay for it to happen, that we would never grow fully apart just enough to be strong by ourselves instead of so co-dependent as we had been. Our world was opening up, we were letting people in and it was growing around us until our world was part of everyone's world. I should have been happy but I wasn't because I didn't think that I could survive without Hikaru as close to me as possible. I needed him and was afraid that he did not need me that much, that he could do find without me by his side.

I sat and turned, grabbing the pillow and punching it angrily, the feathers inside felt funny against my touch. Why was I so weak? When had the weakness set in and why was it that Hikaru had all the strength whilst I sat here and felt like crying because I wanted to cling to him and never let go. Slowly tears formed and fell.

I was weak, and scared of the future. I was scared that Hikaru would move on without me, make a family of his own that didn't directly include me. I didn't want him to get that close to anyone but me no matter how selfish that was. I wanted him all to myself and that made me cry harder. I could see our future, see myself becoming a nagging waste to Hikaru, hear him telling me to get my own life and leave him alone. Perhaps that was it. Perhaps I didn't love him at all in that way but instead just wanted to selfishly have him all to myself and never let anyone take my support away from me. My brother was my support, and without him I felt completely useless.

"Kaoru."

Jerking out of those thoughts, I felt his arms around me almost before I saw him move towards the bed. "Why are you crying?"

I wiped my tears away and curled into him, clinging in my fragility. "I...it's nothing, just worried about that big test on Thursday." I knew from the feel of his body and the look in his eyes that he didn't believe me for even a moment, but allowed me to believe that he had because he knew that at that moment I was not ready to talk. That didn't mean he'd leave me be, that wasn't in his nature, but he'd leave me be for now and perhaps that was what mattered.

Hikaru leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine in the forbidden action we'd become so familiar with. Perhaps that was it, perhaps I only believed that I loved him because I liked the thrill of the forbidden.

_I make myself sick..._

How would I ever be able to explain to Hikaru how his kisses made me feel, fake or not? They lit me up from the inside, made me feel warm and safe. There was none of the 'melting' feeling so often read of in romance fiction, instead my senses seemed to come alive in brilliant bursts as the kiss became more and more passionate. I was aware of everything, every movement of every muscle in both of our bodies, every sigh Hikaru gave out between connections of our lips before he came back for me. I ran my hand into his hair, felt his arms around my waist and his kisses...oh his kisses...they made me feel as if we were not only physically identical, but as if our souls too were identical except for the parts that allowed them to fit together when we kissed. Still it wasn't enough, the puzzle pieces of our being not yet fully together and my body cried out for more even though it could not be had.

_Disgusting...I'm disgusting..._

"Feel better?" Hikaru asked, grinning from ear to ear as we lay, slightly breathless, side by side on my bed.

"Yeah." I smiled back, cuddling into his chest. Hikaru sat up a little and I moved with him without even thinking about it, a subconscious mimicking of my twins movement.

"You gonna tell me why you were crying then?"

I knew he'd ask again. In reply, I plucked the pillow from under his head and hit him with it. "I told you why, its your fault if you don't believe me."

"You really think I'm going to believe that, Kaoru? Spill!" Hikaru pounced and held me against the bed. In the dying light he looked so beautiful I felt my heart would burst from its chest. I wondered again why no one but me saw the differences however small that were between our looks and vice versa.

"You should believe me, I'm telling the truth and even if I wasn't, I doubt you could make me talk." I grinned confidently.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"What if I forbid you getting any more kisses?"

I put on a weak and wounded look and pouted a little, hiding how much that really and truly worried me, I needed those kisses. "Hikaru, why would you be so mean?" I whimpered. He smiled and shook his head, leaning close.

"I'm sorry Kaoru, I'm just worried that somethings troubling you and you're not letting me help." He purred in his 'seme' voice. We both giggled then.

"Really Hikaru, I just don't want to fail this test, now get off of me fatso!" I wiggled around beneath him.

"Hey! I weigh the same amount you do!" Hikaru protested.

The afternoon proceeded in the same calm and jolly manner, just as it always did and when night came we cuddled up together to sleep. It looked like everything was the same, but I knew it would never feel the same for me.

_I'm desperate for your love..._


	4. Chapter 4

It's strange, how even when you're really upset about something, you can push it behind you. Bury it deep within your mind until it almost doesn't exist. That's what I did. I had to, to remain sane. Hikaru liked someone, a guy, and it could be just about anyone. I didn't want to think about it. Time after time I told myself that I didn't care and the lie became so sweet that I could actually feel happy again. I could pretend that such a fact didn't exist and I could pretend that I wasn't jealous that he loved someone deeply enough for a sexual relation, and that that person wasn't me.

"Hikaru, is there someone you like?" One of the guests asked, a frequent customer of ours by the name of Sayaka. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. This question had been asked many times before, but in light of what I knew, it didn't seem like a game any more.

"Well there is someone..." Hikaru looked my way but I caught his eyes flickering upwards to someone behind me, or at least thought I did. I chose to ignore it and went along.

"Eh? Why are you looking my way?"

"Oh...no reason..."

The girls giggled. As the talk continued and fresh drinks were poured, I took a look behind me. It wasn't helpful, we were at the far side of the room today, everyone was behind us. I sighed.

_Hikaru, you tease!_

I hummed as I wiped one of the tables, the duty for cleaning up afterwards was on a schedule to stop anyone complaining, that anyone being Hikaru and I mostly. I smiled and continued to hum. Where was Hikaru anyway? Probably slacking off somewhere, he always left me to do the work. He was clearly the more irresponsible of the two of us, I shook my head in amusement and annoyance. It wouldn't kill him to help me at least once. I picked up a piece of paper and was about to screw it up for the bin when I saw that someone had written on it. A girls phone number perhaps?

No, this was Hikaru's writing. 'I want to talk to you after school Friday, in private, before the club starts. I think you know what this is about.' it read. This note was unmistakably written for me. I was the only one here, and it had been left in my plain sight. Was that why Hikaru wasn't here...was he embarrassed?

I smiled thinking of that and a flower of hope bloomed once more in my chest. My skin grew hot all over and I couldn't believe it. Either Hikaru liked me too and meant to tell me, or he was going to tell me who he liked. Either way it would put my mind at rest one way or another. Hikaru, you dummy, why make it so secret? I wouldn't question his methods. Instead I ripped up the little note and tossed it away piece by piece playing a 'He loves me, he loves me not' game with it in my air of love sickness.

"What are you doing? Slacking off?"

I turned and grinned. "You're the one to talk, where the heck have you been?"

"Bathroom."

"Oh?"

"Jeez Kaoru, do you want to know the details?" Hikaru slung his arm around my shoulder. He always had such a sweet scent, I couldn't put my finger on it, it was simple the scent of Hikaru.

"No, I just want you to do your share of the work for once." I pushed a damp clothe into his face and Hell broke loose. We might have played around for maybe an hour, tossing the damp clothes that were supposed to be used for wiping tables, back and forth at each other. I laughed madly, almost falling over a chair and then decided to use it as a shield. The noise of his running and laughter went dead and I paused. What was he planned.

I leaned up to peek over the chair and was surprised as he popped into view, no time to cry out before his lips were on mine. My eyes closed but the kiss was chaste and quick compared to usual. I smiled and once more pressed a cloth into his face. "Just get to work already."

_Tell me that I'm your love._


	5. Chapter 5

I couldn't sleep, instead I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable in any position that I could. I kept telling myself that I had no reason to really be excited, because it was highly possible that Hikaru just wanted to reveal who he liked and that that person was not me. It wouldn't be the first time he'd turned something simple into a complicated secret.

_Things were so much easier back then..._

"What is it Hikaru?" I asked, toddling along behind my brother at no more than four or five years of age.

"Shhh, this way. Don't let anyone hear you!" Hikaru called, pulling me through the brambles and thick bushes in one corner of our vast garden. I hissed, pushing the offending little branches away and loosing sight of Hikaru altogether.

"Hikaru?" I came out into a small almost circular clearing between the bushes that once in bloom would produce a nice array of roses in all colours. "Hikaru?" the world seemed deathly silent except for the tweeting of birds and the rustle of leaves as the wind blew. I felt my heart beating more and more rapidly. "Hikaru this isn't funny!" I was close to tears, I just wanted to go back, I was no longer interested in his little secret.

"Don't cry Kaoru, here, it's here." My twins head popped up from the others side of some thick bushes. I wiped my eyes, ashamed of being so foolish as to not look for him. Moving over I saw what he'd been so excited about. It was the missing biscuit tin from the kitchen. "I took it." he grinned. "And I wanted to share them with you."

I didn't know if I wanted to hit him for hiding it all the way out here instead of just in his room, or just be happy that it wasn't anything really bad. "You dummy..." I smiled and that afternoon we filled ourselves up with biscuits.

_So simple, so happy._

I turned over yet again, wishing things had stayed like that. Stayed in the place where 'forbidden brotherly love' didn't exist and didn't pull me into the magnetic death grip Hikaru accidentally held over my heart. With a last huff I kicked off the covers and lay in a starfish pose. Turning my head to the side, I did wonder why Hikaru hadn't come yet.

Sometimes he didn't and it always hurt when that happened. I sighed. It was a part of us expanding our world, I knew that. We could still be twins and not have to do everything together. I was happier for it, Hikaru was being more independent and...and I only wished I felt as comfortable doing the same. I changed position again, foetal now.

It came back to the one thing though, did I really want Hikaru to be in love with me too? In the end, we were twins. Twin brothers, so no chance of incest babies, but still twins. Blood relations, monozygotic, sharing 100% of our DNA. Perhaps it would be best if he told me that he loved someone else and that that person loved him too and they were planning to have sex and be happy. I wanted Hikaru to be happy more than I wanted to be happy myself.

Unfortunately I still had that selfish need for his love to be me. I wouldn't care at all that we were twins. Our bodies, our souls, they fit perfectly, like the final pieces of a puzzle. What was that old myth? That if two lovers committed ritual suicide, they would be reborn together as twins? I smiled, liking to think that such a thing had happened with Hikaru and I, that we'd been tied together with red string this whole time and fate had allowed us to be together in the same way even in the next life. That was a comforting thought and I finally managed to sleep.

_Slowly dawning colours thrill And the pulse of light beats high.*_

I had a lot of energy that day. I allowed myself to get excited about both possibilities. He loves me too? Great! We can be together no matter what people think so long as we both feel right. Doesn't love me too? Great! I can put my mind at rest and start the process of moving on.

"You're being awfully hyperactive today." Hikaru joked as we sat down with our lunch, giving me a little prod with his fork. I frowned softly and prodded him back.

"Daddy is so happy, I do hate it when someone in the family is being gloomy and you did seem really upset for the last few days." Tamaki hummed, leaning over just to put his arms around me and press our bodies close together.

"I mean this in the best of ways, _daddy_, but could you not?" I pushed him away, in a good enough mood to humour him but still wanting to be able to eat without his breath on my neck.

"Huh...senpai..." Haruhi muttered.

"What's that? Do you want a hug from daddy too?"

"N-no I was just of for the love of-...hi senpai..."

I smiled, watching the two cuddle. 'He should hurry up and kiss her already.' I thought to myself, looking over at Hikaru, tracing his lips with my eyes. It made me feel all warm and giddy and I grinned again.

After the last lesson, Hikaru hurried on ahead of me. I allowed him to do so, taking my time going back to my locker where I waited, watching some students change their school slippers for prettier and more expensive day wear shoes. They smiled at me and some waved as they passed, many more on their way to their own clubs or even to wait for the host club to start. If Hikaru wanted to make this a special thing, then I'd let him.

After a while I become too agitated and set off towards the music room. The door was not yet open, I chatted with the waiting girls as I passed before I slipped inside. "I finally have an answer for you, and that's yes. I do feel the same way." Hikaru was saying to-

Kyouya looked up and caught my eyes. "You're here early."

I barely heard him, my heart felt like it has stopped. Hikaru liked Kyouya? But Kyouya was nothing like Hikaru and maybe that was it, opposites attract. "Kaoru, I can explain!" Hikaru began.

"Don't bother." All my excitement had fled, as did I from the room and from the school, leaving confused guests behind. Hikaru did not follow, most likely persuaded to stay. Tears coursed down my face, forcing me to stop so I could take deep breathes and then just sit and cry. I had told myself I would be okay no matter what, but I was wrong. That note had been for Kyouya, who had asked Hikaru for a answer about his feelings. Hikaru liked Kyouya, not me, I wasn't good enough. How could I be? We're twins, of course he wouldn't love me that way. Only sick people like me loved their siblings that way.

An arm was put around my shaking shoulders. "It's okay. Whatever it is, it'll be okay." Haruhi smiled. I turned and cuddled into her, crying deeply and just glad she'd had the sense not to ask why I was crying and just comfort me. I didn't think I'd even be able to tell her. Even if I did, I doubt she would understand. Nobody would.

_Please, at least be happy with you love._

* * *

_*_Dawn - Christine Siebeneck Swayne. Find at


	6. Chapter 6

A lot of people have drama with their crush, that much is true. Most people however do not have to share a house with that person, right after their heart has been broken. I had the evening meal brought to my room, locking myself in so that Hikaru couldn't come in. I just couldn't trust myself to not cry in front of him. After eating I put the plates on my dresser and left them there. I'd take them down in the morning, perhaps by then I'd feel better.

There was heavy knocking at my door and Hikaru's voice called in. "Kaoru! Kaoru open up! You're being really dumb right now!"

I said nothing, instead grabbing a pillow and pressing my face into it. I could still hear him though because a part of me would always want to hear his voice.

"Kaoru! Don't make me break down this door!"

_Just go away._

I didn't tell Haruhi why I was crying and she didn't pressure me to tell. I parted from her by telling her she better hurry and secure Tamaki as hers. The expression she gave me was one of soft confusion and the terrible beginnings of understanding. The car ride home had been long and cold, I would not listen to a word he said as he talked about how he and Kyouya had found out they could get along really well. Didn't he see how sick it was making me? How much it hurt to hear him talk about someone like that? It was like Haruhi all over again and I wasn't sure I could keep a brave face and let him do as he pleased this time. This time my love for him was too strong.

_Storming away probably hadn't been my best decision. _

"For the love of God, you big baby." Hikaru growled. It was rare that we fought, unless it was pretend, so any insults always sounded childish, especially coming from Hikaru. "Of all people I thought my own brother would be okay with me liking guys."

That made something inside of me snap and I rose myself from the bed. That's why he thought I was upset? He was so god-damn dense I couldn't take it any more. I unlocked the door and opened it quickly, letting it crash against the wall. "That's why you think I'm upset? After all the kissing we did, after all we have ever done, you think that's why it hurts to hear you talk all lovey-dovey about Kyouya?!"

"W-well I don't see what else it could be!" Hikaru pouted. "Unless you're jealous again?" Maybe he was getting it. "You like Kyouya too, is that it?" What an idiot.

"No! That is_ not_ it!" I fumed back. My chest rose and fell quicker as my breathes came in harsh angry pants. "Hikaru, I love you!" I burst into tears, they were hot and salty and streaked down my face slowly. "I love you as more than a brother, so much more. I love you so much it's been tearing me apart! It hurts to see you loving someone else, more now than every before. I want you to love me and only me. I need you Hikaru, and you're too thick in the head to see that!"

A terrible deep silence stretched between us. The sun was setting outside, it cast a deep orange glow over my bedroom and made the edges of my hair look golden I didn't doubt. Hikaru however was mostly cast in the shadow of the hallway, he seemed almost to not have a face. Then, he stepped back from me. "You...actually love me in that way?" his voice was calm for now, but too low to be shocked.

I said nothing. I couldn't lie after saying all that I had said and didn't feel like saying it again would help me. "Kaoru, that's disgusting." the disgust was very clear in my twins voice. "All that playing around we did was okay but Jesus, I'd never dream of going further with you. That's sick. You're sick." he stepped further away and although he was mere steps away it felt like miles. I could feel the bond between us weakening, becoming so loose it was starting to fall away. "No wonder you ran away from me. You sicko...don't ever touch me again. Not until you get your head sorted." his voice cracked. Hikaru was upset, because one way or another we did not like to fight. It felt terrible to fight and to dislike each other.

"Hikaru..."

Hikaru turned and ran away down the hall, making a sharp turn into his own room, he slammed the door shut. I shut mine slowly, for a moment I wanted to open it again and find a smiling Hikaru there telling me he was just kidding. It didn't happen. What happened was me going back to my bed, to cry, as once more my heart broke. This time the pieces were unrepairable. I was sick, I disgusted him. I didn't even deserve to live. What was I even thinking, that he'd like me back? As if. Incest was disgusting, no matter what.

After I simply had no more tears to shed, I went to the en suite bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. "You're disgusting." I told my reflection. "Wanting your own brother in that way. You're a disgusting pig. Worthless, sick and disgusting." my eyes fell on my razor, hands picking it up. "People like me don't deserve to live." I pressed the cold metal to my skin and said sorry to Hikaru, hoping we did have twin telepathy and he understood how sorry I was.


	7. Chapter 7

I couldn't do it. Even though I hated myself entirely. Even though the razor was there pressed against my skin, I couldn't even move it, let alone cut deep enough to kill myself. I let the metal drop into the sink in disgust, then fished it out so that I could fill the sink with water and wash my face. If only I could wash away the shame that I felt. If only I could wash away these disgusting feelings. The world is built on if only's. I reminded myself over and over that if only was a pathetic way to think. The world really is built on if only's and they go nowhere.

I emptied the sink and retired to the bedroom, which looked bigger and emptier than ever before. I wished I'd kept my mouth shut, just pretended that I was jealous because I liked Kyouya. Damn, with all the acting I'd done pretending that would have been so easy. Maybe it wasn't too late. A spark of hope was there again, telling me I could try and convince Hikaru that I had been joking but...

I sank onto the bed, lacking the energy to do so. I didn't even want to see him, I knew I wouldn't be able to meet his eyes. He was disgusted by me, his own twin. I'd said things even he couldn't laugh off. What was he doing now, I wondered. Was he talking to Kyouya? Perhaps he was laying there, as I was, wondering how I could ever desire him that way when we were blood.

Sexual attraction between family does occur of course, it's not unheard of between half-blood or even full blood family members but that's usually only when they haven't seen each other for years and years since being young and then, only rarely. What did that make me then? A freak of nature? A mutation of the natural order?

Nothing good could come out of my feelings. I would try, as hard as I could, to pretend that I had been kidding. My hands made fists against the bed. I just wanted Hikaru to smile at me again, to hold me like he used to and for there to be no strange feelings between us.

_If only if only if only..._

I woke later that night when the weight on the other side of the mattress increased. Suddenly Hikaru's arms were around me, they pulled my back against his chest. "I'm so sorry Kaoru."

"How did you know I was awake?" I whispered back, my whole body felt stiff and cold. Was this a dream? He wouldn't really want to touch such a sick excuse for a human being like me, would he?

"Of course I knew. You were always a light sleeper." Came the reply and I wanted to believe it was a dream because it was so much like the old days. The cold left my body, replaced by a nervous heat. For a long time, what felt like hours, we lay there cuddled close to each other as lovers would, me slightly tipped against his chest so he could get his arm under and around me. Our breathing was perfectly in sync, as were our heartbeats, his I could feel through my back. I got that feeling again of having both hearts inside of me and started to cry.

"Kaoru, please don't! Look I-I don't care if you love me like that I-...I was just really shocked when you said it. I mean we pretended and we kissed but I thought it was just harmless, I didn't know that you felt the way you feel and..." Hikaru moved away from me, I turned to look up at him. "I'm sorry about what I said. It's not your fault, and you're not disgusting I mean it's not like you've tried to force me to do stuff with you."

"I'd never do that." I bleated up at him, my heart raced in my chest.

"I love Kyouya, Kaoru. It's weird I know, but I think he might love me too. But you know how he is, he didn't really say it out right and I'm not even sure where we are." Hikaru smiled down at me, he took one of my hands in his. "The point is, you will always be my brother. I will always love you, maybe not how you want me to, but I will still always love you."

_Our bond, pulled tight again._

"Hikaru."

"Kaoru."

_Our kisses, still so sweet. Much more than just lust._

"You don't have to do this to please me."

"I'm not, I want to show you our special love will never die."

_Special love...that's what we have. It's not exactly platonic, and not quite sexual either. I came to realize it was just the right kind of love for me. One way or another, I'm happy in this way to be your love. _


End file.
